The Development of Sharing Skills in the Preschool Years
Sharing is a child’s ability to use an object, space, time, or emotion together with others. In the preschool years, sharing is not an inborn trait; it is a social skill that develops over time through experience and within safe, trusting relationships.
How Do Children Experience Sharing?
For a child, a toy is not just an object, but a comforting item, a part of a memory, and sometimes an extension of their sense of “self.” Therefore, when a child doesn’t want to share a toy, they may actually be saying:
- “This is important to me.”
- “I’m not ready yet.”
- “I don’t want to lose control.”
This perspective helps us understand that refusing to share is not intentional negativity, but a developmental need.
While learning to share, children:
- Become aware of their own wishes
- Recognize the presence of others
- Learn to wait and take turns
- Begin to regulate their emotions
Not wanting to share is a natural and meaningful part of this learning process.
SHARING SKILLS IN EVERYDAY LIFE
In the preschool years, sharing is not limited to a single behavior. Children experience different types of sharing in daily life, and each supports a different area of development. Difficulty in one area does not mean that a child is unable to share overall.
1.Sharing Objects
This includes sharing toys, books, art materials, and classroom supplies.
For young children, this is often the most challenging type of sharing because it is directly linked to feelings of ownership and belonging.
📌 Through object sharing, the child:
- Tests the feeling of “this is mine”
- Becomes aware of their need for control
- Feels more open to sharing when they feel safe
2. Sharing Time and Taking Turns
This involves turn-taking, waiting, and using materials alternately.
It supports the development of impulse control and patience.
📌 In the preschool years:
- Waiting can be very difficult
- Children may fear losing their turn
- Adult guidance plays an important role
3. Sharing Space
This includes sharing play areas, tables, corners, and common classroom spaces. This type of sharing supports the child’s ability to accept the presence of others.
📌 Through sharing space, children:
- Learn physical boundaries
- Experience being together
- Develop social harmony
4. Sharing Attention and Communication
Waiting for one’s turn to speak, listening to a friend, and allowing others to express themselves fall into this category.
Although often unnoticed, this form of sharing is the foundation of social relationships.
📌 As this skill develops, children:
- Learn empathy
- Begin to understand others
- Develop reciprocal communication
5. Emotional Sharing
This includes expressing feelings such as joy, sadness, anger, or disappointment, and noticing the emotions of others.
📌 Emotional sharing:
- Develops through secure attachment
- Is supported through acceptance, not pressure
- Helps children feel valued and understood
WHY IS SAYING “THIS IS MINE!” SO NATURAL?
Children’s desire to claim ownership is a natural part of developing a sense of self, responsibility, and belonging. This is not a rejection of sharing, but an important step on the path toward learning how to share.
Why Does Sharing Take Time?
During the preschool years, children:
- Focus strongly on their immediate needs
- May struggle with waiting
- Are just beginning to understand that others may have different perspectives
For this reason, sharing is not a rule to be enforced, but a process to be learned. It develops through repetition, observation, experience, and calm adult guidance.
“What Should I Do When My Child Doesn’t Want to Share?”
When your child does not want to share an object, a memory, or a feeling, this is usually not disrespect or selfishness, but a developmental need. In these moments, the goal is not to force sharing, but to offer safe and supportive guidance.
1. Acknowledge the Feeling First
The first step is to see the emotion behind the behavior.
Goal: Helping the child feel seen and understood.
You may say:
- “I see that you don’t want to share this right now.”
- “I understand that you really like this toy.”
- “This is important to you.”
- “It seems like you need this a little longer.”
- “You don’t feel ready yet.”
✔ ️When a child’s feelings are acknowledged, they feel less need to defend themselves.
2. Guide Calmly Without Judgment
Goal: By staying safe, encountering the border, and being able to see that drawing one’s own border has been normalized.
You may say:
- “It’s okay not to want to share right now.”
- “This is your toy.”
- “Your friend would like to play too.”
- “We can find a solution together.”
- “Let’s take it step by step.”
3. Offer Small Choices
Goal: Maintaining a sense of control, improving decision-making skills.
You may say:
- “You can share it a little later if you want.”
- “You can play first, then we can share.”
- “Would you like to choose another toy for your friend?”
- “We can decide together.”
- “You can play an extra 5 minutes and then stop.”
- “You may keep this toy, and we can choose a different one.”
- “You can tell me when you’re ready.”
✔ ️ Offering choices helps protect the child’s sense of control.
4. If the Child Doesn’t Want to Share a Memory or Feeling
Some children may not want to talk about their experiences or emotions right away. This is completely natural. In these moments avoid asking insistent questions and instead simply create space for sharing
You may say:
- “I notice you don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m here when you’re ready.”
✔ ️The child learns that sharing is not mandatory, but the environment is safe.
5. Remember to Be a Role Model
Children learn sharing most effectively by observing adults.
At home, phrases such as:
- “I feel a little tired today.”
- “I don’t feel like talking right now; I can share later.”
- “Spending time with you today made me feel good.”, teach children that sharing is not only about objects, but also about emotions and relationships.
Sharing Feelings, Thoughts, and Memories Within the Family
Children learn sharing most naturally by observing family interactions.
At home:
Talking about how the day went,
Remembering a memory together,
Being able to say, “This is what I felt today,” shows the child that sharing is not limited to objects only.
✔ Sharing memories and emotions within the family supports children in expressing themselves in social settings as well.
Supporting Sharing Through School–Family Collaboration
At school, we:
- Provide opportunities for children to express their feelings
- Model sharing without pressure
- Support turn-taking and cooperative play
At home, you, as parents, should also:
- First accept the child’s feelings,
- Set clear but calm boundaries,
- Notice small gestures; this strengthens children’s sharing skills.
Sharing is not a destination, but a journey. Each child moves along this journey at their own pace.
As adults, our role is to understand what the child cannot share, when, and why, and to be a safe and supportive guide along the way.
